Release

I was able to see my sweet friend, Kristi, just a few days before she was welcomed into the arms of her Saviour. 10 weeks from diagnosis to death, exactly 4 months shy of her 40th birthday...



Due to the gracious generosity of my friend Susan, we packed my 4 kids and her 3 kids and drove 8 hours to Florida. Susan went with her friends to stay in St. Augustine while I stayed with my friends Will and Gail. I was thrilled to meet their new addition, Carter, who is 4 months old. We arrived on a Thursday and on Friday, I was able to leave my 4 with my friend Angie, who we knew in Spain, so I could go and sit with Kristi for a couple of hours. The military sure makes this world a small place! (Actually, little side note, the day Angie had her son, was the day I found out I was pregnant with Aidan.)



I have never known peace until I stepped foot into Kristi's home. I don't even know what I was expecting but I almost had to catch my breath when I was there. It was amazing. There is a verse in Genesis that says "what an awesome place this is, it is none other that the gateway to heaven." That is the only way I can describe their home. There is something incredible about being around people who love the Lord so much and are trusting Him in every way imaginable with this precious life, and knowing that she is on Heaven's doorstep. I felt as those I was on the brink of Heaven just by being in the home. It was breathtaking...what an Awesome God we serve.



I knew that she would look sick but I was not prepared one bit when I saw her. Her hair was gone and her peaches n'cream complexion was grey. She had labored breathing and was on an automatic pump for pain. The only way I knew she recognised me was when I came in, she held her arms open and when I hugged her she whispered "Shea-Shea" which is what she always caled me. I just sat in that quiet peaceful home and stared at her while she slipped in and out of consciousness. My mom had prayed right before I got there that God would bind my fleshly emotions and that I would emulate the fruits of the Spirit that would be good for Kristi. I am so glad that she prayed that because it would have been so hard otherwise.



Before I got there, I was trying to figure what I could do for her. I'm not so good in the gift giving thing and all of the sudden, God told me to wash her feet and annoint them with oil. He gave me the time to do that and it was such an honor and a blessing and just an incredible experience. I realised, when looking at Kristi's face, I could see the reflection of Christ in her face. I have never been so close to death and yet...never felt so close to God.

When we left on Sunday (early, due to weather), I was able to stop by briefly. Aidan made a beeline for her, crawled right up onto her bed and just held her and told her how much he loved her. It was precious. Mattea held her hand and kissed it.

She passed then on Tuesday, the 11th. 950 people attended her memorial...and amazing tribute to Kristi and the Lord she served.

4 Kids = Never know what you are gonna get!

It is tough getting 4 kids to look and smile at the same time. Mattea liked it best because she said she looked like a present!

I have a confession. I'm extremely insecure posting pictures on here because of all you fab photogs out there. Silly, yes, but there it is! I will be putting pictures on here so make sure each of you talented people (you know who you are) make lovely comments about how beautiful my children are and not mention ANYTHING ELSE!

Have Your Way

Feels like i`ve been here forever,

Why can`t you just intervene?

Do you see the tears keep falling?

And i`m falling apart at the seams.

But you never said the road would be easy,

But you said that you would never leave.

And you never promised that this life wasn`t hard,

But you promised you`d take care of me.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,

I`ll stop praying for an escape,

And I`ll trust you,God, with where i am,

And believe that you will have your way.

Just have your way.Just have your way.

When my friends and my family have left me,

And I feel so ashamed and so cold.

Remind me that you take broken things

And turn them into beautiful.

So I`ll stop searching for the answers,

I`ll stop praying for an escape,

And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,

And believe that you`ll have your way.

Just have your way.

Just have your way.

Even if my dreams have died,

And even if i don`t survive,

I`ll still worship you with all my life.

My life.

And I`ll stop searching for the answers,

I`ll stop praying for an escape,

And i`ll trust you, God, with where i am,

And believe that you will have your way.

Just have your way.Just have your way.

I know you will.I won`t forget.

Whoa-ohYou love me.Have your way.

I could probably say this is applicable to my life at this very moment and in some ways, I suppose it is. Is it not reflective of where so many of us are on sometimes even a day to day basis? But no...not about me...for a friend.

My friend is dying of stomach cancer. There...I said it. It seems so harsh but the reality is that only God knows how much longer she will live. Kristi is 39, a wife of one, mother of 3, and a beloved child of the most High King. Long story short, we used to joke about her "stomach pains," blaming them on (and laughing about) gas pains and if she was a real woman she would know how to "fluff" and make them go away. A painfully few months ago, upon returning from a church plant in Zimbabwae, she became very bloated and after being admitted to the hospital, was drained of 7 liters of fluid from her stomach. It was cancer and even worse, the cancer cells were in the fluid which was freely floating around in her abdominal cavity. Fast forward to today, her husband posted that she is no longer able to withstand chemo at this point. Because her main source of nutrition is from IVs, chemo is out of the question. As soon as her pain can be controlled, they are sending her home.

Kristi's heart is the biggest I have ever known. She would literally give you the shirt off her back if you needed it. Probably even if you didn't need it and just liked it. No, really! Now, to see and hear her like this is one of the most painful things I have experienced and yet, how selfish am I? This darling woman is dying and yet I'm the one in need of comfort? Through it all, she has prayed not for her healing but for God's will in her life. When I spoke to her today, for the first time, I heard her weep, "Shea, I want to live!" Oh God~I can't even begin to understand.

This morning when I read about her most recent prognosis, I called my mom in tears, at 445 am her time, nonetheless...she's such a good Mommy, she just prayed with me. One of the things she prayed was that all of Satan's minions that would be causing Kristi pain would be cast from her and that those interceding on her behalf would stand in the gap, filling the broken places in the hedge surrounding Kristi. Later when I spoke to Kristi she said this morning, she woke up in such pain, that she believed it only to be demonic. She started to feel relief right when my mom was praying for her! I didn't even think to pray for her in this manner, and yet it was exactly what she needed, and God led my mom to pray that for her. I'm so humbled by Him!

I know Kristi wants to live. Her family wants her to live. However I know that they live wanting God's will ahead of their own. That I would learn from their steadfast faith. Please be in prayer for them. You can follow their blog http://hopeforkristi.typepad.com/.

Update

Figured I would share a bit of what has been happening in the Winter's household. First of all, without irking any of my all natural ladies out there, I had to go on anti-depressants shortly after Cayd was born. For those of you who have never suffered from PPD, it is a seaky sneaky thing! I couldn't function. My poor children were probably petrified of me, not to mention my husband! Breathing was literally painful. I could not stop crying. My sweet friend Amy finally told me one day that she was very concerned and thought I should call the dr who IMMEDIATLY put me on something. I promise, withing 24 hours, I was a different person. I'm still on them and will be for awhile. I'm a much happier, gentle, kinder person. I'm able to deal with things the way I "should" be able to and things, like my OCD with cleaning, is also under control. I share this because I know God had something coming at us. :)
www.apexsportsacademy.com
A few weeks ago my husband quiet his job. ***DEEP BREATH*** Yeah. It had actually come down to a quit or be fired scenario. Buddy, honestly, did nothing to deserve this but it was a blessing in a very scary disguise. With his job he was on call 24/7. He could NEVER be w/out his phone and his company would call in the middle of the night, mid of church, middle of ANYTHING. It was a huge stress factor. Plus they could send him out of town at a moments notice for how ever long they determined. I think we were all a bit more stressed then we thought. They paid very well and so it was very much paid slavery. They had just pushed him to the limit. Of course through all this, I prayed desperatly. I wanted to support my husband. In a sense, he was begging me for "permission" to quit. Of course, I was so scared because, hello! Finances! And how was he ever going to find a job paying that sort of money around here. God very kindly revealed my gluttony though and reminded me of how much He loved us. When Buddy actually quit, he looked like a different person. He was so happy!!

We have enough $$ to last us until mid July or so. Its incredible how little one can live on under extreme circumstances. Buddy has been "working" at a sports academy called APEX that he actually had a hand in starting. Its really neat and he has felt God calling him to be there full time. Of course, seeing that its just starting out, its pretty much a "just bills paid" deal. Not that I'm complaining. AND he's getting ready to start something called Combat Cardio which has a very MMA feel to it. In other words...I'm happy living on NOTHING because my husband is doing what God is calling him to do. Its CRAZY but it works. I was worried about insurance but for now my kids are covered under Alabama AllKids.

We have been so blessed too! I'm surrounded by friends who know exactly what I'm going through. And the other day when I received our bill for our lawn care (which I had cancelled because we couldn't afford it), they had written a "no charge" for the last month and wished us luck. What a blessing. I'm just amazed at how much less cluttered life feels right now. I never realised how good it felt to be so dependent on God. I'm thrilled to see where God is leading our family. I love it here!

Thanks for listening to my rant!!!!!

Cayd Aaron Winters

I was due with Cayd on March 11th (Aidan's bday) but that day came and went and nothing. March 12th dawned....and nothing. We ran errands and that night around 7 I was texting a friend begging her to bring me more blue kohosh and settling in for another sleepless night. All of a sudden, (and I mean all of a sudden) I got hit with a GIGORMOUS contraction. I looked at my mom and said, "OWWWWWWWWW!" She laughed and jokingly asked where Buddy was and I told her I had no idea, possibly Tae Kwon Do. Anyway, not too much longer there came another one and I realised I had skipped all the normal first stages of labor and it was ON. I desperatly texted my 2 besties and husband telling them in not so much nice language it was time and asked where the bleep were they. I finally got ahold of Buddy and told him that I was in labor and we needed to go NOW. He came flying in a few minutes later but I had changed my mind and decided I wanted to stay home. He took one look at me and said that I didn't have a choice, that we were leaving. The drive only took 10 minutes. I hit the ground running, bolting into the delivery room (my nurse had called and prepared them, letting them know I was a quick deliver and so they skipped triage and put me in a room right away) grabbing the gown and pee cup and hit the bathroom. I stipped dwn and jumped on the bed in less than a minute. My goal was to labor naturally and I was desperatly willing my body to relax so I could get it over with and not cave to an epidural. Later my friends said that while I was in the bathroom, the nurse asked how many times I had done this before and they laughingly told her 3.

They hooked me up and my contractions were strong, consitent, at 3 min apart and almost 1 1/2 min long. I was at a 5-6 cent dilated. My friend Sarah was acting as my doula and she had brought a scented burts bees eye mask so I laid there and pretended I was somewhere else. I was doing great and my dr came in and broke my water. Then the problems started. When she broke my water, Cayd didn't come down. So they watched for a little longer and she checked me and I was at and 8. I, of course, at this point threw up. One of the lovely things I do with all my labors at 8 ctm. While she was checking me, I dilated to 9. Then my room started filling with nurses and drs. Cayd's heartrate had started dipping dangerously low. So they "encouraged me" to get an epidural. I questioned this, seeing I was at 9 and they asked me if I even felt the urge to push. I said no and relised that at 9 ctm I should have the urge. So I consented. (I will say this, if I had known I would have such an efficient anestisologist (SP) I would have had one before I walked in the door.) My dr checked again and she felt his elbow coming out. I asked if she could just push it back in and she said no. She said then that we needed to consider Plan B. I told her I didnt have a plan B and she yes I did and that was an emergency csection.

I asked if Buddy and I could have a moment and they all left. He told me it was the best thing because unbeknowst to me Cayd had been struggling with his heartrate for awhile. Icried and called my mom who prayed and then the dr was back and saying we had to go IMMEDIATLY. I was so frightened! The trip to the operating room is a blur but I will say that the staff was awesome. I just laid there staring at those lights trying to grasp what was going on. It happened so fast. By the time Buddy came in and sat down, we heard Cayd cry. He was noosed up in his cord but was healthy at 7lbs 10oz and 21 in long and was born at 1150 pm. Recovery was insanely painful.

Looking back I'm so thankful I didn't stay home any longer. I was proud of myself for laboring naturally but thankful I was not stubborn in the end. I have a healthy baby boy to show for it and my family is complete!

Happy 6th Bday Aidan!

The day I welcomed you into the world was long and painful to say the least! I was never so unprepared as I was for becoming a mom. You definitly shook us up! You had your own idea on how much babies cry (hours and hours sounded fine to you), how much babies slept (in your case, how little), and what exactly you expected from us (only the world). I remember watching other people walk by our house in Spain and thinking how normal their life was compared to mine. I was definitly a mess.

HOWEVER. The miracle of it all is you, Son. You have taken on the role of first born in ways I never thought imaginable. I love to hear your voice as you scold your younger siblings on "the right way to behave." Your need to take care of "Mama Bear" is so strong. So strong that you willingly get up with Zane, bring him out to the living room and feed him, when he decides 530 is perfect time to get up in the morning. Oh, and always tacking on "I know you had a rough night Mom, so I thought you needed some more sleep." God bless you child!

Aidan is certainly a blessing, as all children are. I'm amazed at how firstborn's find their niche in being just that, the firstborn. He wouldn't be happy in any other role. Happy Happy Happy Birthday Aidan!!!

**on a side note...yes I'm still pregnant and yes I'm due today. Aidan really wants a new baby brother for is his birthday so please be in prayer for us**

Is it really Tuesday again?

1.) I should be making my lunch and eating it instead of sitting here doing this. But I do enjoy reading everyone else's and they make me feel so much better. (Heidi~I have no idea why we have SO MUCH laundry.)

2.) I'm sorry to say this, and I hope not to offend anyone, but I really hate our dog. No really. Hate is the word I intended to use. She managed to bring fleas into our house this summer. Long story short, it took MONTHS before we were through and I could finally relax and not want to just torch the house...considering its brick, think about how much TNT I would have to use! Anyway, she can now jump over our fence and does it whenever she wants to. She knows I can't physically drag her stupid but back in there so she stays just out of reach. Buddy won't let me get rid of her. Good thing I'm a christian and an honest one at that or else he might come home one day and she would be GONE. Dogs that jump out get picked up, don't they. If I take her tags off and she isn't microchiped....who would know? I'm not going to do that but there are DAYS!

3.) I was just so excited yesterday because the kids were being so sweet and studious. Then today happened. Yuck. They all made me so frustrated. I think its the rain. Oh well...at least they are napping now!

4.) Mattea likes to blow kisses to us and we have to "catch" them. We do it back and she is always so elaborate in her ways of catching them. Yesterday, I blew her a kiss and when she "caught" it, she "broke" it. She look and me as she tucked "half" in her pocket she said, "I'm going to save this one for later. " So cute!

5.) My good friend Sarah, who is going to act as my doula during labor, is knitting me a prayer shawl. She said it should help me get through labor. I think her original idea of waving the check book in my face will be reminder enough of why an epidural free birth is so important!

6.) As much as I'm enjoying being home so much, I am really beginning to miss church. I feel as though I haven't been properly fed in so long!

7.) I can't believe Zane is turing 2 on Monday! I mean, I believe it because he is certainly exhibiting "2" behavior however, isn't he the BABY??

8.) I'm actually really hungry at this point. I make all our cream soups homemade now and I'm thinking cream of mushroom sounds so good. I made some yummy Irish Soda Bread yesterday and that would be great with that.

9.) Celestial Season makes a SleepyTime Plus tea...it has valerian in it. It is amazing. Not only do you get the chamomile (SP), but you get the extra boost. I slept so good last night!

10.) Why do our young people view Veterans Day as simply a day "they don't have to go to school"? I have noticed on FB that a majority of teens and even some college have this point of view. Its really sad. I don't like it.